


Control

by DanielleItLouderNow



Series: Words Unspoken [3]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Running Away, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-17 06:01:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanielleItLouderNow/pseuds/DanielleItLouderNow
Summary: Letters to Asami from Korra.Based on Control by Halsey





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> I liked this in the beginning, but I don't know how to feel about it now. It is what it is, I suppose.

Korra hurled her face shield onto the cobbled walkway, uncaring when she heard the telltale crunch of crumbling glass.

 

Tenzin had tried to calm her, stating that healing takes time and no one blamed her for needing it. Then he told her the Earth Kingdom was in shambles and she threatened to water-smack him if he said the word " _patience_ " again. He left her alone after that.

 

She found herself on an outcropping halfway down an ice cliff overlooking the bay, lost in the memories of happier times, when the air bender babies startled her out of her reverie.

 

Usually the children were a welcome distraction, but today Korra found their presence annoying at best. Even Jinora with her calm demeanor and sage spiritual wisdom grated on Korra's nerves.

 

Meelo climbed up on her shoulders and began airbending snow at his sisters, Jinora doing her best to ignore him, Ikki immediately squealing out her displeasure before blasting a giant cyclone of air after Meelo, uncaring of Korra being caught in the middle.

 

Korra remained impassive, her eyes focused on the far off horizon. It was what she didn't see that made her heart ache with a lonely emptiness she'd never been able to put into words. Asami's latest letter fresh in her mind, Korra meditated on Katara's advice, that her new healing journey was one of the mind and couldn't be won with violence but rather acceptance.

 

But the rage still burned white hot inside of herself. Or rather, not white at all, as her problem was that of not connecting to the spirit of light that dwelled within her.

 

What was worse though, was the fear. How was she ever supposed to accept what happened to her when it still terrified her so greatly?

 

It took her several moments before she realized Jinora had been speaking to her. Korra ducked her head and tried to pay attention to the words coming from the younger girl. Even Ikki and Meelo seemed to have settled slightly, electing instead to wrestle in the snow on the small ledge while still listening to the one sided conversation.

 

"--I guess what I'm saying is something feels different about you Korra. Like your spirit is...broken."

 

Korra's eyes misted over and she pretended not have heard Jinora's words, focusing instead on the horizon again.

 

At this, Ikki piped up, "yeah, Korra, you're scaring us."

 

"Not me!" Meelo jabbed his thumb to his chest, crying out in protest. "I'm not afraid of nothin!"

 

Korra was completely conflicted. On the one hand, she couldn't help that awful energy inside of her.

 

On the other, well...

 

"God damn right, you should be scared of me," Korra yelled.

 

The airbender children all shrank at the shrillness of her voice before attempting to comfort her. Unfortunately, Korra was in no mood to be comforted and instead blew herself off the ledge, using her fire bending for an extra boost. In her haste to get away, she had thoughtlessly melted the overhang, causing the bender babies to take to the skies after her, shouting loudly.

 

"Korra!"

 

"Please stop!"

 

"You're scaring me!"

 

Korra didn't answer. Instead, she dove straight for the water, hoping for sanctuary in her native element. She counted on the airbenders not to be reckless enough to try and follow her into the icy depths. Few water benders dared to brave the frigid temperatures, but Korra was the Avatar, Raava be damned.

 

She continued down, down, down, until darkness closed in all around her before she felt like she could finally let herself go.

 

She suspended herself in half lotus, calmly bending the the sphere of air around herself and pushing the water outward. Once she felt she had enough space, she froze enough of the ocean around her to stop the need to continually bend air, water, and heat.

 

Even though she'd lost her connection with Aang, she could understand why he'd ended up in an iceberg.

 

She finally felt at peace for the first time in days, maybe even weeks.

 

And as they usually did, her thoughts wandered back to Republic City. To Mako, to Bolin, to Asami.

 

She missed her friends fiercely.

 

They all wrote, Mako's letters coming about once a month and filled with anecdotes about weather, Bolin's more frequently and full of crude drawings and exaggerations of how he was helping Kuvira to save the Earth Kingdom. 

 

Asami's came about once a week, maybe more. They were usually filled with whatever random thoughts were in Asami's head at the time, but always connected to their previous conversations.

 

Asami never failed to ask Korra how she was, what she was enjoying being away, if there was anything she needed. Asami reminded her that she hadn't been forgotten.

 

Yes, the boys wrote, but they continually avoided the topic of her, making her feel worse than she had after returning to the South. Like they'd moved on and forgotten so quickly.

 

But Asami's letters could also border on banal, for which Korra was also grateful. It gave her something to focus on besides her own misery, knowing Asami was experiencing a similar droll routine.

 

Korra chuckled at herself, using words like banal and droll. It would seem that Asami truly had worn off on her.

 

Her thoughts immediately turned maudlin, thinking of her best friend.

 

While she did miss the boys, she never felt this connection to either of them. Even when she had dated Mako, her feelings for the fire boy never ran this deep.

 

It was torturous and confusing, calling everything Korra thought she knew about herself into question.

 

Korra didn't feel like she knew who she was anymore, confusing non-platonic feelings aside.

 

It never helped that she was frequently wracked with nightmares and haunted by a chilling visage of herself trapped in the Avatar state, chain hanging menacingly from her arm. It clinked and clanged and jangled, swinging in time with her screams.

 

Her dreams were filled with the sound of chains and she was ever aware of the slightest hint of their familiar rattle.

 

Korra cracked her eyes open only to be greeted with that powerful eternal white glow.

 

Unthinking, she punched a jet of fire at the vision, her first colliding with her ice barrier. Even if the fire hadn't already started the job of weakening her solace, the force of her fist shattered her sphere entirely.

 

The shocking tumult of frigid water caused Korra's mind to seize, her wits abandoning her completely. She watched, horrified, as the chain of her demon wrapped itself around her leg in much the same manner as she had with Zaheer, and began to drag her down.

 

Korra screamed, either unaware or uncaring of the consequence until she felt the icy water invade her lungs.

 

She was choking. Suffocating.

 

Her demons were going to win.

 

Blackness began to take over and Korra barely registered her thought of "finally," before Asami besieged her bedraggled brain.

 

The world might have moved on and forgotten about the Avatar, but Asami hasn't forgotten about her, about Korra.

 

Her eyes flew open and with a few sluggish, but effective movements, Korra blasted the vision away and propelled herself from the ocean and 40 feet into the air.

 

Now she was afraid for an entirely different reason, but at least now she was free, alive even. Though that was momentarily debatable with how quickly she was approaching the frozen ground of the South.

 

With a quick flick of her wrist, she attempted to air bend to cushion her fall. Instead, she only managed to blow around a little snow, piling it up into a large mound. Korra hit the mound and sent snow sailing everywhere as she sliced through, nailing the earth with a resounding thud. She felt an all too familiar crunch and a radiating throb shot through her elbow.

 

Korra didn't have time to dwell on the pain though, instead being jolted back to reality when she heard the rustling of chains nearby.

 

If Korra had been in her right mind, she might have heard the barking of dogs, men yelling, the sharp crack of a whip in the frigid Southern air.

 

But Korra wasn't in her right mind.

 

Korra rose from the mound of earth and snow on a cyclone of wind, arms widespread and fire spewing from her mouth, crying out to all who could hear before she flew off with another jet of flame, riding the air current all the way to the palace.

 

Korra crashed through her window and landed in a shivering heap on the floor, violent sobs wracking her body.

 

"Wh-who is in control?" She whispered. She had started repeating these words to herself like a mantra whenever her vision would appear. It wasn't real and she knew it. "I'm meaner than my demons," she spat. "Who is in control!?"

 

Korra's violent outburst caused Naga to burst through the doorway, bounding up to her master and nudging her into the nearby chair. Korra collapsed against her loyal companion and wailed out her anguish, hands tangled in Naga's soft fur, tears wetting both their faces.

 

Naga gave a soft whine of sympathy before she snuffled at Korra, nudging her head into her lap, bumping Korra's elbow in the process. Korra yelped in pain, causing Naga to startle and knock her chair over, sending Korra toppling onto her back, legs straight in the air and wind rushing out of her in a giant huff. The moment might have been comical if Korra were having any other kind of day.

 

Instead, she kicked out and blasted air throughout the room, sending her papers flying from the desk, flowing and fluttering about the room.

 

One came to rest in her face and she recognized the faint scents of motor oil and hibiscus tea. Slowly, Korra pushed herself up from the ground, cursing herself for forgetting to heal herself.

 

She laid Asami's letter on the desk and read it as she worked on her elbow, the water warm and soothing to the aching crack in her joint.

 

_Dear Korra,_

_I miss you. It's not the same in Republic City without you. How are you feeling?_

_Things are going well here. I just got a big contract to help redesign the city's infrastructure, so I'll be keeping pretty busy for a while. Being busy is helpful, it helps keep my mind off things._

_There's so much I want to share with you, but I'm never sure how you feel about my letters. And some of it I'd rather say to you in person._

_Are you sure you don't want some company? I'd grown so used to us being together through the Earth Kingdom and our time on Air Temple Island I'd be lying if I said this time apart was easy. I miss knowing you're here and safe. I know you're safe with your parents, but I miss knowing I helped to keep you safe, kept your nightmares at bay._

_Are you sleeping better? Eating? I can't smell noodles without thinking of your legendary appetite. I've even grown quite fond of the seaweed noodles from a little cart near my office, though I do have to spice them up with some fire flakes._

_I suppose I should wrap this letter up. I have a meeting with Varrick in a few hours about...I don't even remember, but I need to go over the paperwork again so he doesn't try to pull something over on me._

_I'm always here for you, Korra. For anything. Just say the words and I'm there._

_Love,_

_Asami_

 

Korra pictured Asami, sitting at her desk scribbling out her letter, screwing her eyes shut and pinching her nose at the thought of Varrick. Korra could also practically hear Asami the day of Jinora's ceremony, saying those same words of comfort, offering Korra whatever peace she could give. Asami deserved the world and Korra vowed to give it to her.

 

The feelings were messy and confusing and left Korra questioning everything she knew, but they were there nonetheless. 

 

_Dear Asami,_

_I'm sorry I haven't written to you sooner, but every time I've tried, I never knew what to say. That's not true. I've had a million things to say, but I was never ready._

_The past two years have been the hardest of my life. It's taken me a while, but I have learned I am bigger than my body, bigger than these bones. But even though I can get around fine now, I still can't go into the Avatar State. I keep having visions of Zaheer and what happened that day. I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head. And I tried to hold these secrets inside me, my mind's like a deadly disease._

_The airbender children are afraid of me. I'm afraid of myself. I can't help this awful energy. And God damn right we should be scared of me. I don't know who is in control._

_For the longest time I paced around on empty, jumping at the slightest of sounds. I sat alone in bed till the morning, crying, "they're coming for me." And I couldn't stand the person inside me, I turned all the mirrors around. But I'm meaner than my demons._

_This house is awake with shadows and monsters. The hallways, they echo and groan. Maybe I'm the house. I'm certainly colder than this home._

_Katara thinks a lot of this is in my head, so I've been meditating a lot, but sometimes I worry I'll never fully recover._

_I have to believe that I will though. I've been telling myself, over and over that I'm in control. I'm bigger than my body. I'm colder than this home. I'm meaner than my demons. I'm bigger than my bones. It's the weirdest mantra ever, but it helps._

_Please don't tell Mako and Bolin I wrote to you and not them. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but it's easier to tell you about this stuff. I don't think they'd understand._

_Yours,_

_Korra_

Korra read and reread her letter, then read it again. Asami had been so open and honest with her. Maybe it was time she do the same.

 

Without a second thought, Korra sealed the letter and dropped it off to be sent before stealing away into the night.

* * *

They send me away to find them a fortune

A chest filled with diamonds and gold

The house was awake, the shadows and monsters

The hallways, they echoed and groaned

I sat alone, in bed till the morning

I'm crying, "They're coming for me"

And I tried to hold these secrets inside me

My mind's like a deadly disease

 

I'm bigger than my body

I'm colder than this home

I'm meaner than my demons

I'm bigger than these bones

 

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"

I can't help this awful energy

God damn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?

 

I paced around for hours on empty

I jumped at the slightest of sounds

And I couldn't stand the person inside me

I turned all the mirrors around

 

I'm bigger than my body

I'm colder than this home

I'm meaner than my demons

I'm bigger than these bones

 

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"

I can't help this awful energy

God damn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?

 

I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead

And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead

 

I'm bigger than my body

I'm colder than this home

I'm meaner than my demons

I'm bigger than these bones

 

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"

I can't help this awful energy

God damn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?

 

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"

I can't help this awful energy

God damn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?

 


End file.
